Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

She stared at the box of pills and the bottle of vodka. She knew only pills would not be enough to send her to another world. For months, she had planned the best way to do it. She read a lot of stuff about it and found out that only 12% of the attempts of suicide with pills are effective. There were more effective methods, of course, but they were all too dramatic and too messy. Imagine the commotion that it will be if she jumped of a building. She could even make the news and she would absolutely hate that.  She didn’t want to call any attention. So she opted for the pills. Combining it with alcohol, maybe it would work. She hoped it would be enough.

She was very sure that this was her only way out, but now... something was holding her back. She had been starring at the objects for a while now and she just couldn’t bring herself to open them and take it. Perhaps it was guilt? She knew her mom would be devastated. They say there’s no pain like the one of losing a child and she hated to put her mom though it. Especially after... argh. She sighed, frustrated. Damn, that’s so fucking hard! Tears began to stream down her face. Her heart was beating out of her chest. She wanted to scream until her lungs bled, smash something and curse the stupid idiot who had the idea of bringing her to planet earth.

Near to the bottle of vodka, it was a letter. It had been an attempt of explaining to her mom why she was doing this. She was very good in hiding feeling.  Knowing that the demons she held captive would freak her family out, she got used to lock everything inside herself. Recently, though, things had begun to pour out of her. She couldn’t bear it. It hurt so much... She had confessed to be depressed and her mother took her to see a psychiatrist. He gave her some pills and told her that everything would be fine. It was very expensive, so she dropped out after two sessions. She didn’t think he would be able to help her anyway. He didn’t understand. No one did…

She took a deep breath. It was now or never. Her mom had to take care of Benny, so she would have to get over it for him. Little, sweet Benny. They would be Ok.  “I’m sorry mom… I’m so sorry”, she though, putting the fifteen pills in her mouth at once and drinking a gulp of vodka… and then another… and then the whole bottle. Some minutes later, the world vanished and her head hit the floor.

“Evanna Viveret, 24 years old, attempt of suicide by overdose. According to her mother she took doxepin combined with 500 ml of ethanol”, the intern informed the attending physician. A mid-aged woman followed the doctors as they carried the girl through the hallways of the hospital. She had a blank expression in her face. They arrived at the elevator. One of the doctors told her she could not go any further, that they would try their best to save her daughter and that someone would come as soon as possible with an update. But the woman had only understood half of what the doctor said. As soon as the stretcher entered the elevator, the world begun to spin for her.

 She couldn’t understand. She knew Evanna had been feeling depressed, but after starting to see that doctor everything was fine… At least she thought they were. The last thing she thought when she left home that afternoon to take Benny to a party is that she would come back home to find her daughter lying unconscious in a pool of blood on the floor.  How could I not have seen? Why didn’t I try harder to help her? My baby girl… She had been very practical until now. She did not let herself freak out when she found Evanna. She wasn’t cold blooded, but she knew that once she opened space for emotions she would not be able to function and at that moment she needed to act quickly. Maybe there was still a chance to save Evanna. She had called the ambulance, locked the door, dropped Benny in the neighborhood’s apartment and informed the doctors the name of the drug when the ambulance arrived. However, she couldn’t do anything now. The destiny of her daughter was now out of her hands. She was starting to sink in what happened. My baby girl... Her breath was heavy. Her mind was drifting. My baby girl...  Everything became pitch black and she lost consciousness.

“Where am I?”

Evanna looked around. Her vision was a little blurry and her mind was fuzzy.  As she tried to focus, her sight began to come back. It was possible that… she was in a hospital? How did I get here? And why? She did not remember what had happened. Her last memory was being at home, lying in bed and listening to sad songs. I hurt myself today/ to see if I still feel/ I focus on the pain/ the only thing that’s real. She was standing in the corner of the room. She could see some strange equipment and three people dressed in white around a table. They were too concentrated in their work to realize she was in the room. Evanna moved closer to the table in order to have a better view on who was lying there.

“It’s… me!”

Evanna felt a cold sensation took over her body. How could that be possible? How could she be standing there, watching her own body in a hospital table? Suddenly flashes of memory appeared in her mind. The bottle of vodka. The pills. The guiltiness. The feeling that it was the only solution. Suicide… she had committed suicide. Was she dead? She was not seeing any bright lights or any shadow. No one was calling her name. What if she was now a ghost, doomed to wander around forever? She, then, noticed a sound coming from one of the machines. Bip, bip, bip.  Her heart was beating, which indicated that she was still alive. This is so fucked up, she thought, walking to the exit of the room. She did not know what was happening, but she could not stand to be in that room, looking at herself in that state.

The halls were not empty, but no one seemed to be paying attention to her.  It wasn’t a new feeling to her. Evanna had always felt invisible. At high school, she had no friends. Thus, she would walk on the hallways unnoticed, being pushed out of the way occasionally by someone. They would never apologize. She was always listing to music with her headphones and trying to keep her head down in order not to make eye contact to anyone. In college, things changed a little. For whatever reason, some people talked to her. Some of them, she could even consider friends. However, she always kept a distance between them and the real Evanna. She knew they wouldn’t understand the complexity of her feelings.  

Without knowing where to go, Evanna just roamed around for a while, trying to pay attention to what happened around her. She saw in a room decorated with flowers and pictures an old lady surrounded by a bunch of people. She had the most genuine smile that Evanna had ever seen. In another apartment, a young man was lost in thoughts, starring at the window. He had a bandage in his head. Evanna wondered about what he was reflecting. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he relieved? Was he feeling lonely? Was he living a dilemma?

Evanna kept on walking. Suddenly, she stopped at the door of a small room. Something had called her attention. A child was lying in the bed, dead to the world. Two peoples were with him. Evanna assumed they were the boy’s parents. The father was with a hand on the shoulder of the mother, who was helplessly sobbing while holding tightly the body of the child. The scene made Evanna think of her own mother.  How is she handling with all of this? Is she here? I should try to find her…

The phone had been ringing for a couple of minutes before Mara Viveret realized that in fact it was her phone buzzing. After fainting, a kind nurse had taken care of her. She was now sitting uncomfortably in the waiting room, drinking a cappuccino that the nurse had bought her and thinking about how her life had become so messy. When Benny was just a baby, her husband, Marcus, died in a car accident. With two little kids at home and a demanding job, Mara had to fight the impossible to overcome the situation. There were times when she thought she would not survive, but she stayed strong. Evanna and Benny needed her. With time, things began to get better and finally her life seemed to have fallen into place agian. Mara never thought, not even in a million years, that she would have to get through the death of another person she loved again.  

“Hello”, Mara said feebly, answering the phone. “Hi Marie. Is Benny Ok?”

 Marie was Mara neighbor and best friend. She had been there for her in her darkest times and Mara knew she could count on her. God bless true friends like Marie.

“Thanks for watching him… No, the doctor still hasn’t said anything… Thanks, Marie, I appreciate… Well, I thought she was doing better too. There was a letter when I found her, but I didn’t... Oh, Marie. I don’t know what to do”.

Once again, Mara was shedding tears. She felt so helpless, so devastated, so lost.  What would she do if her baby girl died? She didn’t know if she would ever be able to get off bed again. If only Marcus were still here… She hung up the phone and tried to control herself. Crying wouldn’t help in anything. Like Marie said, everything would be Ok. She had to believe in that. Evanna would survive and this time she would take care of her. She would love her daughter as like had never loved anyone. Everything will ok. Everything will be fine. Oh God… help me. Help her. Help us!

“Mom!”, Evanna shouted when she found her mother in the waiting room and run to her, but Mara didn’t listen. Evanna had only seen her mother in such a bad state when her father died. Mara was shivering even though it was not cold, her hair was a mess and her eyes and nose were red. She looked like she hadn’t slept or bathe in weeks. Evanna hated to see her mom like that… She hated even more the fact that she was the one who had caused that. How could she be so selfish? What if mom falls into depression? She remembered feeling empty, useless, numb. She didn’t wanted her mom to feel the same. Oh my God, what will happen to Benny? Evanna felt her chest on fire. She hated herself so much. But… she couldn’t stay alive! There had been no option; she did not know how to live! Her brain began to make up excuses, saying that it was not entirely her fault, but deep down in her soul, Evanna knew she deserved to go to hell. Suddenly she felt a force pulling her. What was happening? She was being dragged back to the operation room. Was she dying? She looked to her hand and realized she was fading.

“Goodbye mom”, she whispered.

Sand. She was in a beach. It was night. The sky was full of stars, but there was no moon. The sand was wet and she could hear the waves crashing on the rocks. She looked to the sea. There was a glow in the water that didn’t seem natural. She shivered. It was cold.  What’s happening? Am I dead?

“Not yet”, she heard a voice saying behind her. She turned to see whom was the person talking to her. The view of who it was surprise her so much that she almost fell.  Her heart was now racing and her eyes were all of sudden filled with water.

“Dad!”, she screamed and run into his arms. He held her affectionately, caressed her hair and let her cry. Evanna was not only crying like a little girl, she was howling; making sounds that didn’t sound like something a human could produce. It was impossible to describe how she was feeling. She just let everything locked inside herself pour out of her. She didn’t know how long she cried. It felt like ages, but eventually she was able to calm herself down.

“Better?”, her father asked. She nod, sniffing. She took a deep breath and let go of her dad’s arms.

“Am I dead?”, she asked slowly.

“Not exactly”

“Where… what am I, then?”

Marcus did not answered right away. He had a very enigmatic expression on his face. Maybe he doesn’t know… Marcus finally opened his mouth, but before he could utter any word, Evanna asked:

“You are dead, aren’t you, dad?”

“I am, honey”.

“How can I not be, then, if I’m here with you? Is this a dream?”

He touched her cheek, just like he used to do when she was little.

“I know you have a lot of questions, honey, but I’m sorry to say that don’t have the answers for most of them”

Evanna felt a little disappointed. If he didn’t have answers, who would have then?

“What I know, honey”, Marcus continued, “Is that you have a choice to make. Let’s take a walk on the beach”.

Evanna nod once again. She took a closer look at her father. He didn’t seem to have aged at all. He matched exactly the image Evanna had of her father in her memory: a black t-shirt with a drawing of the Rolling Stones logo, a two days beard and the hair slicked back. He also smelled like coffee. Evanna had always loved coffee, because it remind her of the cold Sundays when she, her mom and her dad would watch the morning shows wrapped in blankets and drinking the hot beverage. 

“You’re not dead, Ev. Not yet. But you’re not alive either”, Marcus said, “You are between life and death”

Evanna was listened carefully. She tried to process the words of her father the best way she could.

“Who decides if I live or die then? God?”, she asked.

“Ah… for some people – and I don’t know why – it’s given a second chance. Maybe when you decided to end your life, your time hadn’t come yet... I don’t know.  The thing is, honey, only you can decide what you wanna do.”

Evanna certainly didn’t expected that. She thought she had already made her choice when she took the pills.  The question now was: should she make a different one? She thought about her mother, how anguished she looked in that waiting room. She cared about her, but… it was worth it to come back now, just to break her heart later with her lack of ambition and inability to live fully?  

“Do you remember, Ev, when your was little, what you said you wanted to be?”, Marcus asked, bringing Evanna back from her reverie. Before her father died, she remembered having a happy childhood. Of course, some bad stuff happened, but they did not affected her so badly this kind of thing would affect her now. She took things more lightly when she was a kid. Now, every little thing felt like the end of the world. In fact, that was exactly what the psychiatrist had said: the main issue was the way she faced the problems of everyday life. Nevertheless, what he didn’t understand was that she didn’t know how to face them.  Things felt like the end of the world, because for her they were. It wasn’t a matter of perspective, she was stuck in this bubble of numbness and self-loathing.

Evanna realized that she had not answered the question of her father. What she wanted to do when she was little? She didn’t know the answer. She couldn’t remember.  The feelings of childhood appeared to be so distant now. However, it had just strike her that she knew what she wanted now, at the age of 24. The truth is that she didn’t wanted to die. She wanted to be able to live, not only survive. She wanted to be able to do her best, get a job she liked, find someone nice, have a family, travel… Normal stuff like that. Why everything seemed so difficult for her? Why everyone was able to accomplish this things, but she wasn’t? Evanna emitted a cry of frustration. She hated when people said she had no reason for being depressed. “You have such a great life”, they said. But no one were in her shoes. No one lived her life. It was true she wasn’t a kid starving in Africa, but each person fight their own battles… Her struggle wasn’t physical, it was emotional and no one would ever know exactly like she felt. How she couldn’t do things, no matter how hard she tried. It was like if she was trapped in a spider web.

Bip. Bip. Puuf. Suddenly, a deafening sound began to echo in the beach. Evanna looked around, trying to find the origin of the sound. It appeared to be coming from nowhere.  

“What is this?”, Evanna shouted to his father.

“It’s the sign, Ev. The time has come. Your heart stopped and they are trying to bring you back. You can choose to give up and go to whatever there is beyond this beach or… you can choose to come back and do your best to be the person you want to be”

“But I don’t know if I can! Dad, I’m scared!”

Marcus looked fondly into Evanna’s eyes.

“I know, honey, I know”.

Evanna was desperate. She wanted more time… more time to think, more time with her dead. What guarantees she had that this time things would be different? Yet, she was afraid of what she would find if she chose to die. I doubt suiciders go to heaven... Suddenly she felt dizzy. Something was pulling her, even though she still wasn’t sure to where she was going. The beach slowly began to fade. Her father was smiling and then he was gone. 

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”

William Shakespeare